


darling, your head's not right

by quitesnotty



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Ghost Drifting, M/M, Sad, Self Harm, Vomit, really damn heavy ghost drifting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2013-12-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 15:21:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/993478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quitesnotty/pseuds/quitesnotty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Newton is haunted by ghost drifts from the Kaiju that plague him constantly, he has become very unwell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm working so I won't have to try so hard

**Author's Note:**

> this was painful to write
> 
> also, hermann doesn't experience the ghost drifts as heavily as newt does because he only drifted once and that was with newt taking half the load where as newt did it twice and the first time it was just him.
> 
> i don't think this is v accurate sorry

When the apocalypse was cancelled, life changed for definite. Mako and Raleigh got married. They lived happily together in Hong Kong, near the shatterdome, which was now the worlds foremost Kaiju research centre. Herc Hansen went back to Australia, retired at the age of 45. He wasn’t in the best mental state after the triple kaiju attack, devastated by the deaths of his son and closest friend. Tendo still worked in the shatterdome. Life moved on, people moved on, the Kaiju where a thing of the past. For most.

Newton Geiszler tried his hardest to move on too. He immersed himself in his work; there was so much to do! He had his pick of tons of kaiju parts, tons of reports to write, he understood the Kaiju more than anyone ever had, ever could. But for some reason he knew that it wasn’t because of his extensive research. 

On the evening of January 12th 2025 Newt was invited to many Apocalypse Cancellation parties, but politely declined each one. No one argued or tried to convince him, because he looked like shit. He looked worse that Herc and Raleigh and Mako combined, blood still dripping from his nose, shaking very slightly and seeming as if he hadn’t slept for days. Instead of celebrated he just went to his room to rest. or at least he tried to; sleep wouldn’t come. His brain was buzzing, awake and active whilst his body was exhausted. But his brain was broken too.

Drifting with a Kaiju was most definitely not safe. The ghost drift that Newton experienced after drifting with the baby kaiju and Dr Hermann Gottlieb was lasting longer than it really should. He was still getting nightmares of being ripped apart by a Jaeger’s metallic hands, still was plunged into memories of being repeatedly harassed in the middle of the day. The only thing that that took his mind off it was work, so much work. But work didn’t stop the memories flooding in after hours. I came to a point where seeing Newton Geiszler was rare, he spending most of his time by himself.

Most assumed he had lost his mind; to some extent this was true, but “shared his mind” would be a more accurate description. The poor man was wrapped up in the Kaiju’s thoughts, with every now and then glimpses of his own and Hermann’s pasts. It’s not surprising that the strange creatures memories were most dominant, it’s brain being the size it was, but it was pulling Dr Geiszler apart. The memories of pain and fighting and the hollowing loneliness that the kaiju felt ricocheted around his skull until he was immobilized. Some nights he was only capable of curling up in a shaky ball, being attacked by the kaiju again, but this time from the inside out. 

Newton found himself eating and sleeping little, every second he spent out of the lab was consumed in thoughts of the world beyond the breach, the anteverse filling his brain. He stayed in the lab late, the low light and Dr the scratching of Gottlieb’s pencil comforting him into a thoughtless lull where he could write reports without worries of his cranium being invaded. Yes, the lab that he shared with Gottlieb was a safe place for Dr Geiszler. He like it there.  
That night was worse than he’d had for weeks. That fact that the Kaiju were clones meant that they were very lonely creatures, no matter how many of their own kind they were surrounded by they were still constantly alone. he was attacked by this crippling isolation every night, every night all things comfortable we sucked from his very being. He felt this overwhelming rush of anguish and emotion all the while he felt the echoes of punches and scrapes from giant mecha arms rip him up. It was all too much, his brain didn’t have the capacity to deal with these recollections, his head head pounding as is he was slamming it against a wall. He was slamming it against the wall.

The discomfort dragged him back from the thoughts, the shock so sudden that he fell backwards, landing on his back. With disgust he noticed the slashes of vomit that painted the wall and collected in a puddle on the floor. It was not a strange occurrence; it happened occasionally when he was out of it. It didn’t consist of much, mainly bile, but that didn’t stop it from being gross. “Shit,”

Newton got up, cleaned away the vomit and fell onto the bed. He was too pleased to finally get to sleep to question how he had done it.


	2. It hurts to say but I want you to stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i actually decided to go through with this. ah this story still makes me super sad to write, but i really love shaky newt. And hey!!! i have a tumblr specifically for pacific rim! it's freshkaijubrain.tumblr.com if you wanna check it out!!

The next day was the same as many others. Newt woke up from the little sleep he had managed to get the night before. Rushed through his morning routine, somehow forcing himself to look worse than he already did. Then he made his way to the lab, once again hurriedly, where he can finally relax. He generally relied on Hermann to bring him coffee, something he was eternally grateful for. The two would generally work peacefully for the duration of the day, occasionally asking each other for their opinions on something. They had stopped bickering after the breach had closed. Newton had assumed that they were both just too tired and pleased after the clock had stopped to bother. In reality they actually got on pretty well.

The lab was Newtons favourite place. It was the only place in the world where he felt relatively normal. whenever he stepped into the room, he was comforted with a honeyed haze of relief, his mind would clear, he could think without being invaded by a new flush of strange memories that he didn’t remember. He spent a good deal of his time in the lab just thinking about how much he loved the lab. he loved the odd half light. He loved the hum of the various tanks that occupied the room. He loved the solace the room provided. He loved the lab.

it was thursday the 19th of February, and Hermann was taking the next week off. He was heading back to Germany to visit his sister, she very much wanted to see that he was alright, and he was owed a ton of leave. Newt was quite looking forward to this. As much as he hand his lab partner had become closer, it would be pleasant to have the lab by himself; he wouldn’t have to be mindful of the amount of noise or mess he was making for fear of disturbing Gottlieb’s studies. Yes, it would be a nice week for the both of them.

Of course, Hermann did. He visited his parents, his brothers, spent a lot of time with his sister. He enjoyed being back in his home country, a comforting change from the dim urgency of the shatterdome and frantic calm of Hong Kong. He always forgot how pretty germany was, it made him feel like he never wanted to leave. He had to of course, and when the week was over he was sad but he could see his sister after months apart and never feel as if he had left; she had that sort of effect. So while he was upset to leave, he didn’t get too distraught. He would be fine. and who knows what Newton had gotten up to in his absence? It was best not to leave the man alone for an extended period of time.

Newton’s week was no so faultless; when Hermann found him he was a mess. The lab he had put so much trust, so much love into had failed him. It had helped him none. After staggering from his room to the workplace, he slumped into his chair and sighed happily. Then his eyes went wide and his body curled in. More memories filtered through. The lonely journey to the surface of the earth; the despair as jaeger striker eureka tore into him; the confusion as he hit the ground. His own emotions leaked through the surge from the kaiju, betrayal, isolation. he was completely overwhelmed and had nowhere to hide from it. no sanctuary to leave behind the other creatures life and lead his own. 

Relief came through the gaps on occasion, glimpses of nostalgia and laughter, overtones of homeliness and happiness. he could only guess that they were hermann’s current emotions, and he blessed the man. The hints of his not so shitty life were what kept Newt going through that hellish week, but it also left him feeling bereft, alone, his own melancholy feelings heaping on top of what the kaiju went through. Why couldn’t Hermann be there with him? that’s what he really wanted. Hermann scratching away in the background while Newton was working peacefully. That was all he really wanted, peace.

When Hermann came back, he was so beyond ecstatic that Hermann was almost engulfed in the wave of happiness that Dr Geiszler was feeling. He recognized it as after effects of their drift and said nothing, inspecting the man he had left alone. He was a mess, not even the hot kind. He was unshaven and shaky, a panicked ir about him. His eyes were red with distress and sunken with fatigue. His nose was bloody, his clothes dishevelled and nothing could describe the immense guilt the man felt for leaving him by himself. 

He let the scientist slump against him and sigh happily. It was his fault after all.


	3. Tables they turn sometimes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah so i finished it! it's the first chaptered fic i have ever finished which is quite an achievement if i don't say so myself!  
> anyway, thank you very very much for reading and i really enjoy comments ! [(hint hint )]

It was about a month after Newton had killed himself and Hermann was at a loss. Well, that will happen if your mind is hooked up with another person and they hang themselves. the good doctor walked around, his daily routine no different to what is was before, but he felt completely hollow inside. the sorrow he felt surpassed anything he had ever felt before.

Now he felt the aching loneliness that newton drowned in each day, and only wished that it was he himself that had experienced it. thinking back, he wished that he had done more for the man than making him the occasional coffee or sandwich. Wished that he had even recognized that he was going through such torment every day, asked him how he was feeling.

He shouldn't have left for germany, knowing now how his absence had distressed the other scientist; of course he knew what newt was feeling now. Because what had been dumped onto newt in the drift had been passed on to him for a few painful moments when dr Geiszler's life left him. And he was completely alone in the dystopian city of Hong Kong. surrounded by people he may have been but they were not the right people.

He cursed himself for only now noticing the codependency he and newton shared, what he had put the man through when he was alive, barely noticing him, fleeing his presence once the day had ended. The time they spent together wasn’t nearly enough, not if what newt felt then was what he was feeling now. Not enough to keep him sane, let alone happy, which is all he wanted for newt.

And of course, now hermann was going mad himself. losing his mind over losing newton. he was leaving the shatterdome in a week. letting them hire new, less qualified researchers and not caring about the bad job they’d do. he did know what he’d do once he got to Germany, but he hoped whatever it was would help his sanity. He hoped that distancing himself from his memories of Newt would stop them plaguing him. He hoped that this was not wishful thinking.

_FIN_

 

**Author's Note:**

> yes i will continue this and there may/may not be a happy ending


End file.
